For most of my life, I used to walk around ashamed. Most times, my energy was spent on suppressing and hiding the empty hole and hurt I felt on the inside. Everything around me seemed to have been orchestrated in a way to remind me of my biggest pain, and a reality I tried to normalize; 'My father left me'.
"I will be a Father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty." 2 Corinthians 6:18
What people who grow up fatherless don't tell you is that it's embarrassing (to say the least). You feel left out of many things. Even if it is not physical. In your heart and mind, there is something different within you. Whether you are male or female, you automatically feel like you have to compensate for what you lack in a father figure. I remember, as a little girl, I used to dread being asked this question: "where is your dad?" I never knew how to answer. What would hurt the most was the realization that my dad chose not to be part of my life. Which I think is the greatest pain a child could ever feel. I used to say to myself: "My dad is alive. But he doesn't want to be here." I can't imagine a greater pain than that. Rejected by the person who was meant to be your protector and, as they say, a daughter's first love. Growing up with this rejection created feelings of unworthiness. My need for acceptance consumed all of me. Until I began to heal.
You see, all I ever longed for was the love of a father. I would cry every time I'd see a daughter with their dad. When fathers were celebrated, I would hide. I remember coming home one Sunday afternoon after church on Father's Day. As soon as I walked through the doors, everything I had been keeping on the inside exploded and for the first time I allowed myself to really feel. I felt depressed, confused, betrayed and angry. I allowed myself to admit that I hated Father's Day.
When I turned 19, I started to walk through a journey of forgiveness, and dealing with the ever increasing anger inside of me. That, then, created space for God to heal me, and for the gift of intimacy with God to grow in me. Which is the greatest gift I have and will ever have. The knowledge of God the Father. This is when the knowledge of the Father-heart of God began growing in me. I began to know and understand love. I started making way for Love. All God wanted to do was to fill me, comfort me and be there for me. God is the standard of what a Father and a man should be. A protector, a provider. He is unconditional Love. All of a sudden, a day that used to be a reminder of trauma, pain, rejection and shame, became a day of remembrance. Remembering how God turned my life around. How He opened my eyes to the reality that I had a Dad all along.
"God is the standard of what a Father and a man should be"
Father's Day is now a day that triggers the remembrance of my adoption into His Kingdom. A day of restoration, joy and love. He no longer feels distant in that area. Though I've lacked an earthly father, that lack fails in comparison to the perfect heavenly Father I have and had all along. This revelation begs me to ask whether I ever lacked after all. He has always been there. It only became a reality when I acknowledged Him and let Him in. He healed every part of me that had been broken by fatherhood. So when I am asked by many why I call God "Dad", its because He is all I have ever known as a Father figure. He is so perfect. He picked me up from my rejection. Took me in. Made me new. He healed every part of me that had been broken by fatherhood. It's a feeling I will probably never be able to explain. It deserves more than a blog. And one may need to experience it for themselves in order to grasp its depth. So please, allow me to try and paint a picture for you, so that we can create space for your experience. A picture of Dad.
An introduction to the Father-heart of God
( Though I know that reading this might be one of the hardest things to do, I pray that your heart will be open, even just for one moment as you read this, and may God meet you and minister to you where you are.)
To those whose fathers have walked out on them, to those whose fathers have gone to heaven, to those who have not had the opportunity to know their biological father for one reason or another, and those who have a father, but have no real, healthy relationship.
May you know the Father-heart of God. He is so perfect. He is gracious, loving and kind.
He loves conversations- because He cares about everything you care about. Sit with Him, tell Him your cares, your cries, your frustrations. He wants all that you are. When you have had a long day, imagine arms spread so wide and the biggest smile you have ever seen, ready to welcome you. Approach with confidence, He's your Dad. (Hebrews 4:16)
He loves picking His children up. So when you are having a bad day, He will speak words of affirmation over you if you allow Him. He will never leave you. You can count on that.
He delights in you. I pray that you will have eyes to look at yourself the way God looks at you. (Zepheniah 3:17)
He is close when you cry and when you are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). His heart is to run towards you in your time of heartbreak. He will hold you, comfort you, hug you and fill you with every single thing that you need. (Isaiah 41:10) He will always be there to cheer you on and champion you. No one will ever be as proud of you as God is. He is so proud of you. You are the apple of His eye. (Zechariah 2:8)
Young man, He will teach you how to be a father. Every step of the way. He will teach you how to break generational curses. He will lift you and raise you to be the man of God He designed you to. He will teach you how to be a great leader and a great husband. The way it was intended to be. Regardless of whether you've had a male role model or not. Allow Him to shape you. He will do so if you let Him. Trust Him. Lean onto Him.
Young woman, He will be right there next to you when you walk down the aisle in your wedding dress. Your Dad goes before you. He has already orchestrated everything for you. He will show you the standard you should look for in a husband. He will be right beside you when you make tough corporate decisions, when you are faced with challenges, when you rejoice, when you mourn. He will walk with you. He will be your saviour and your hero. Your strong deliverer and help in time of need. (Psalm 18:1-2) Let Him in. May you know Him as Dad.
He is the God of restoration. (Joel 2:25-27) He promises that you will never be put to shame. He promises wholeness, freedom and victory in all areas. May He restore to you, and may it be more than what had previously been lost.( Deuteronomy 30:3-) His love is healing, and His love is restoring.
To those who have a great relationship with their earthly father. May you know that God is your perfect heavenly Father. And that there are areas of your heart that only He can fill. No one else. Go deeper. Get to know the Love of the Perfect Father. Knowing the Father is the greatest gift. Let Him in and watch Him reveal things unknown. He loves you.
Consider for a moment the areas of your life and heart where you have shut God out as a Father because you have been hurt, broken and disappointed. Give your heart and life to Him. Allow Him to restore you. Acknowledge that He is your Father. He loves you so much. So much that He gave Jesus to die for you. He foreknew you. Trust Him- and walk with Him. He is your Dad.
Pray
Lord, open up the areas of my heart where I have shut you out. Give me the grace to trust you as my Dad, and may you restore my life and of generations to come. Lead me to knowing you better. Heal my heart and my soul. May I be fully dependent on you. Knowing that I am your son/daughter. And you delight in me. Teach me to seek your face and to know your heart for me. My I look at myself the way you look at me. May your love restore and heal me. And may I walk forward with confidence, knowing that you've got my back. I thank your for the gift of divine wisdom and understanding (Ephesians 1:8-9). I pray for intimacy, fellowship and communion with you for all the days of my life. I thank you that it is well with me. I have all I need in You. Joy, love, restoration and happiness are my portion. In Jesus' Name. Amen
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